Thursday, November 13, 2008

Hope

HOPE

What does hope look like, feel like?
How does one possess it?

Is it an attitude?
Is it a person?
Is it optimism?

Hope –
That love will win in the end
That redemption will come
That the pain and suffering is not3 in vain
That the hurting will stop
That there is greater beauty to behold
That the greatness within them will be released
That they will reach their potential

Hope –
The sun will come after the rain
The warmth will come after winter
The smile will come after the tears

Hope-
We are not alone
We are loved without strings
God is present
God is present in the midst of suffering

Hope-
The poor possess more than the rich
The wounded have greater depth than those scar free
Loving others is always worth it
The hard road has greater meaning

Hope-
I do not have to carry the burdens of the world alone

Hope-
The sun rays bursting through the clouds
The belief in remaining goodness

Hope-
In the Lord
In Christ
In God
In his unfailing love
In his word
That he will continue to deliver us
In the living God

Hope-
Of Glory
Of salvation
Of eternal life

Hope-
always waiting for that which is far off
not to be seen but believed

Hope-
Produced by suffering
Suffering produces perseverance which produces character which produces hope.

Love always hopes!

The Sea of Need for Love and Affection....

“How little do we really know the power of physical touch. These boys and girls only wanted one thing: to be touched, hugged, stroked, and caressed. Probably most adults have the same needs but no longer have the innocence and unself-consciousness to express them. Sometimes I see humanity as a sea of people starving for affection, tenderness, care, love, acceptence, forgiveness, and gentleness. Everyone seems to cry: ‘Please love me.’ The cry becomes louder and the response so inaudible that people kill each other and themselves in despair. The little orphans tell more than they know. If we don’t love one another, we kill one another. There’s no middle road.” – henri nouwen p. 44

It’s not a new thing to be overwhelmed by the needs of the girls I work with. In facts it’s a normal thing – something I think for the most part I’ve become used to.

But there are moments or days or weeks when the need overwhelms me – causes my head and stomach to ache – causes tears to flow from my eyes…..

This past week was one of those weeks…… those weeks that break my heart, that cause me to cry out to God and ask WHY? To say DO SOMETHING GOD! To wonder if God is using me for anything at all?

This was one of those weeks that causes me to cry out to God WHAT IS THE POINT? WHERE ARE YOU?

It started on Monday – met with 2 girls – one is depressed, failing classes because she’s too depressed to have motivation to do the work, spends large amounts of time alone in her room letting herself sink deeper into her own despair. The other one lives in a house too full of junk to move with her elderly auntie and grandmother and an older cousin who just moved in and only speaks harsh words to her – her only current goal is to be out of the house as much as possible.

Then came Tuesday – met with 2 girls – one who’s dad is choosing to love his girlfriend over his own daughter – the other who’s mom is in rehab and lives in a crack house.

support group night – where one 14 year old girl shared about having sex this past weekend – her second time ever. She shared about feeling like a hoe – shared that she thinks herself a hoe now – she shared that she doesn’t really love the guy and he doesn’t love her either – everyone else joined in about what defines a hoe and who is one and who is not – 2 more girls sharing about sex they’ve had recently and one who going to soon – another girl talked about getting drunk with her friend and her friend’s parents, she’s severely diabetic and too much alcohol could literally kill her – but she doesn’t really care about that too much.

Then came Wednesday – met with 4 girls – one talked about smoking weed every other day – smoking crack once or twice – and wanting to smoke mushrooms soon – one talked about her 16 year old cousin dying the week before and her aunt who is in a coma – one talked about her brother’s gang involvement and one talked about being deeply involved in a gang throwing up signs and what not.

Then came Thursday – met with 4 girls – one got kicked out of her dad’s house and so she’s living with her friend at the time being – one who says all the time that she’s a bad kid, who sees herself as no good – one who plays she’s dumb and innocent but messes with sex and other things to fit in – one who talks incecently constantly calling for my attention like a 2 year old who wants someone to watch her say her abc’s

So much need – so much more than is ever shared with me – so much more than is ever recognized – but there nun-the-less.

But what am I to do in a world of need, in a world of hurts so deep, wounds so fresh, cries so deafening, so many hands outstretched to be grasped,

The sea of need for love and affection is so great – that all I can do with writh with the pain and weight of it all and cry to God on their behalf.

Their Hauntings......

Their stories are their hurts which are their hauntings.

They replay the horror over and over again in their minds. They relive the horror inside their heads daily even now several years after they experienced it.

They hate the dark, they hate being alone, both of which allow the haunting to come stronger

All their hauntings involve guns, shooting, blood, and death.

For one it was hiding with her aunt in her bathroom downstairs when the intruders, the enemies came and shot and killed her uncle. She remembers the sound of the gun shots, she remembers the screams, she remembers sight of her uncle’s dead body lying on the floor and the blood around him.

For one it was riding the back seat of her cousin’s car with her dad and little cousin by her side while her older cousin and his girlfriend were in the front. She remembers the other car pulling up and her dad lying on top of her and her cousin to protect them. She remembers the sounds of the gun shots, she remembers the screams, she remembers the sight of her older cousin’s dead body lying on top of the steering wheel and the blood coming from her dad’s shoulder that had been shot. She remembers that moment every time she sees the scar on her dad’s shoulder to this day.

For one it was hiding with her aunt in the kitchen when the intruders, the enemies came and shot up her house. She was too young to remember many details but she does remember the sound of the gun shots, the sound of the screams, and the sight of the blood coming from wounds.

These girls are haunted by these memories – these sounds and sights that cause them to lie awake at night in fear – fear in the darkness – fear of death, the death of themselves or close family members – memories that cause them to have violent nightmares when sleep finally does come.

One girl who is haunted made the comment “people just can’t let stuff go.” But it’s nearly impossible to let something go that haunts you, that has haunted you since you where a small child.

Tangled Web of Desired Love

She adores her older brother, worships her brother, desires love from her brother
She would do anything for him if it would cause him to love her

She wants male affection, doesn’t really matter who it is, just someone to tell her he love her, to help her believe that there is someone that loves her
She would do anything for him, any him, if it would cause him to love her.

Her brother wanted sex, didn’t care about love just sensual pleasure.
He asked her to arrange it with her best friend
No true love to give to either – just pleasure for himself.

She did it for her brother, for his love
She did for her best friends brother, for his love,

Both gave in one to her brother the other to her best friend’s brother –
Both left without love

The desire left unfulfilled, a sexual act done, and a sister who offered her brother her best friend for sex.

This is the tangled web of desired love.