The faith to receive love....

“One thought in John Eudes’ conference touched me very much. He said that to respond to God’s love was a great act of faith. He compared it to people who have felt very lonely and isolated, very rejected and unloved during many years of their life and who suddenly meet someone who cares. For such people it is very hard to believe that his or her care is authentic and honest. It requires a great act of faith to accept the love that is offered to us and to live, not with suspicion and distrust, but with the inner conviction that we are worth being loved.” – henri nouwen in genesee diary

She’s 14 by age, almost 15 because her birthday is next Friday – the 21st she reminds me afraid I will forget it – afraid everyone will forget it.

14 was a rough year for her – kicked out of 3 high schools just her freshman year putting her many credits short of being a sophmore. Two of her sisters got pregnant. Mom lives with boyfriend northside just sporadically stopping by their house southside to pay rent and drop off groceries. Gang drama and boy drama form the backdrop of her days. Stories of getting high, drunk, of being around pointed and loaded guns with bullet holes in the floor of their bathroom as witness. She gets cussed out often and much by sisters, mom, mom’s boyfriend, friends, enemies, and more. She tries desperately to hold onto the friendship with her best friend, to get love from her mom and sisters.

Chaos, no structure, harsh words, survival, be tough, characterize her most of the days of her 14th year of life.

She went to camp last week. She went to Christian camp for urban youth in southern Missouri. She went to camp just two weeks before her 15th birthday.
A great way to mark the end of a rough year.

She loved camp. Her counselors loved her. Other counselors loved her. Her fellow campers loved her. Everyone loved her. She’s athletic, knows the cheers by heart, and can dance – all parts of making her a great camper. She was at a place that embraced her – loved her – affirmed her.

At first she eagerly accepted such love so freely offered. But as the week wore on she became more and more uncomfortable with the place, the environment. She was uncomfortable with the love, with the stability, it began to seem dangerous to her, began to seem to require too much faith in other people. She began to shut down. She began to loose faith in the love freely offered her.

She fought against the stability, fought against the love with stubbornness. She stood in the rain for two hours in the dark of night refusing to speak or move. She refused to eat breakfast or lunch even though her stomach ached for food and was causing her head to ache as well.

My heart broke at her resistance to receive the love offered to her, her resistance to receive the stability offered to her.

Even in her stubbornness and fighting she held it together – made it through camp without getting kicked out even though she had come close several times.

On the way home she found out that her and her sisters were moving northside the day after she arrived home. On the way home the instability and unstructured found her once again.

I pray she remembers the love offered to her. I pray she remembers the stability offered to her. I pray she receives the love. I pray she is encouraged. I pray she goes back to camp next year.

Hunger

Have you ever been hungry enough that it becomes painful to watch someone else eat while you are not?

Have you ever been hungry enough that it becomes mezmorizingly painful to watch someone around you at a sporting event, fair, parade, carnival, mall, or on a bus eat food while you have nothing to eat?

Have you ever been hungry enough while waiting for your food in a restaurant that you can’t help but stare at the table next to you that got their food and are shoving their faces but you still have to wait?

Have you ever been hungry enough to be tempted to take the food that people have left sitting on their plates at a restaurant?

She was hungry too…

I had brought a youth I work with to a counseling appointment. While she was talking to the counselor I waited in the lobby. There were two other teenage girls in lobby who had both been there for female exams checking for stds and pregnancy. I could tell from what the two girls were saying to each other and on the lobby phone that their lives were hot messes. One was calling to get a police escort to her mom’s house to get her clothes because her mom had a restraining order against her daughter. The other teenage girl totted around with her two younger kids a girl around 6 and a boy around 9. It was easy enough to see that these two young kids were rail thin and used to being totted around and a part of much craziness.

I half listened to the two teenagers loudly talk about their lastest boy drama and half minded my own business. I was texting and reading a book and they vaguely noticed my presence but it didn’t seem to bother them or affect them at all. At one point I remembered that I hadn’t eat lunch but I had an open bag of twizzler bites in my purse so without thinking I grabbed a little handful and started eating them while reading. The moment I popped the first one in my mouth the 6 year old girl who up till that point hadn’t acknowledged me came and stood right in front of me about one foot from my knees. She didn’t say anything just stared and watched me eat. I knew what she wanted and I had to hold my laughter in as I pretended I didn’t know just to see how long she would stand there or what she would do next. She stood there and stared without moving or flintching a full two minutes before plopping down right next to me and giving a huge sigh said “I am sooooo hungry.”

At that point I busted out laughing and said would you like some to which she said an emphatic yes. So I gave her a handful of twizzler bites which prompted everyone else in the lobby to jump to their feet and run over saying can I have some too. So there we were all waiting in the lobby while eating our little handful of twizzlers while they all made exagersated enthusiastic comments about how good the twizzlers were and how they were the best candy they had ever eaten and could they have a little more.

This thin six year old girl who was so hungry she couldn’t sit by and watch someone else eat fed everyone.